I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
