Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
