yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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