oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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