I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
