The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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