yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
