Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize