I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
