im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
