Only a mothe r could love this liver
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
