oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
