So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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