You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
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