hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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