Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
