my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
