I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize