She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
