why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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