i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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