I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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