Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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