ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
