my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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