I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
