bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
