Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
