you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize