Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I came so hard my ears popped.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
