I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
