I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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