I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
