maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
