i would punch a child for taco bell
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
