Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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