Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
