I want to make a zoo with you.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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