I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
