wakey wakey hands off snakey
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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