I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
