wanna go halves on a baby?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
