The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
