the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
