my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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