I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
