he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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