Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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