I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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