i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
