I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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