jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
