When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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