My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
