Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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