she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize