Umm I'm too high to move.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
