Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
