They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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